Teshuvah on Lashon Hara

Question

I feel terrible that a while ago I spoke lashon hara about a very good friend of mine. We see each other at least once a week, and every time I see her, I think about the lashon hara I spoke. I thought about doing teshuvah, but I am embarrassed to say that I don’t even remember who I said the lashon hara to. What should I do?

Rav Azriel Auerbach 

You are asking a very difficult question, and this should be a major impetus for us to be extremely careful not to speak lashon hara. The Chofetz Chaim rules that when a person speaks lashon hara about someone else and wants to do teshuvah, he needs to ask forgiveness from the person he spoke about. When he went to ask Rav Yisroel Salanter for a haskamah for his sefer, Rav Yisroel told the Chofetz Chaim that while it may be true that one needs to ask forgiveness from the victim of the lashon hara to gain atonement, since this will most likely cause this person distress, there is an issur to do so. The Chofetz Chaim nonetheless included this halacha in his sefer.

As far as I know, there is no clear “p’sak” in this machlokes. I am not ready to be machriah between two gedolei Yisroel. Therefore, I rule that in such a case, one should be shev ve’al ta’aseh and not ask mechilah.

While we are on the topic of not hurting other Jews with one’s speech, I would like to share with you something about how far my father, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, was always thinking about how not to cause others pain with his words. One time, a girl came with her father on Purim to get a brocha for shidduchim. We were all surprised when he went out to speak to her. My father later explained that after the brocha, she cried, and it would have been embarrassing for her to cry in front of all of his guests. My father taught me to be so careful not to hurt another Jew with words.