The "Shiur" to Look for One's Basherte

Question

I am an alter bochur and would really like to get married. I have been looking for many years for my basherte and have still not found her. Can the rov give me some practical advice on how to make this happen?

Thank you.

S. A. Y.

Rav Goldberg 

There are two major areas that one needs to focus on when looking for a spouse. The first is that she should be healthy, because problems with health can cause major problems after one gets married. If there are significant physical or mental health issues, one is obligated to make them known before getting engaged.

The second thing to look for is middos. We see that when Eliezer was looking for a wife for Yitzchok, he tested her in the area of middos. This set the precedent for all of their descendants that this should be the main focus when looking for a spouse.

You ask how much time one should spend on this search. The Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 1:2) says that getting married is a mitzvah. Since marriage is a mitzvah, we are obligated to treat this endeavor with the same alacrity as other mitzvos, as Chazal teach us, "Mitzvah haba leyodcha al tachmitzena,” when a mitzvah comes to your hands, do not delay its performance.

Although a person should not rush to get engaged, it should not take an exorbitant amount of time. Since every single person has faults, if a person looks for the perfect spouse, he may never get married. Therefore, while other criteria cannot be ignored, your major focus should be on the two areas I mentioned. Be’ezras Hashem, with these guidelines in hand, I give you a brocha to find your basherte soon.

While we are on this topic, I would like to mention one more thing. There is no obligation to make a seudah for sheva brachos every day. Rather, if one makes a seudah, he recites these brachos (see Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer 62:6). When I married the daughter of Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, the minhag in Yerushalayim was to make just a few sheva brachos seudos.

Today, sheva brachos are made every day, and this can be a very great strain on everyone involved, especially the chosson and the kallah. People should keep in mind that the point of this week is for the chosson and kallah to be happy, and if they are not up to having so many sheva brachos, we should take this into consideration.